Parenting isn’t easy, and parenting a child with special needs is an even more difficult feat, even if you know what you’re doing from day one, you also need to know what not to do with an autistic child.
The most an expecting mother can do is anticipate the arrival of a child that may have special needs. Even then, until technology has really shown its hand with predicting a fetus’ condition, you won’t really know what their needs will be or just how severe it may turn out.
Autism is one such condition. Officially titled “Autism Spectrum Disorder” (ASD), autism is a neurological and developmental disorder that affects how the person interacts with others, communicates, behaves, and learns. It’s considered a “developmental disorder”, given that symptoms don’t generally appear until after the child has reached two years of age. Since it’s a spectrum, the symptoms are wide ranging, from barely noticeable to causing severe academic and social hardships.
Here I will guide you through what not to do with an autistic child. These are based on the initial reactions and beliefs of most parents who are uninformed about autism. This is written with the assumption that the kid in question has been professionally diagnosed by a doctor, which you should always do if you feel as though your kid might have developmental issues.
Without further ado, here are things not to do when you have an autistic child.
What Not to Do With an Autistic Child: Don’t Seek a Cure
Unfortunately, there is a prevailing belief among some circles of misinformation that there is some sort of “cure” for Autism, or that with enough training and discipline, the child will eventually “grow out of it”. This leads them down paths that focus on “correcting” their child, instead of finding resources that will better aid their kid. Autism is a lifelong condition, and while some may find themselves able to better manage their symptoms as they grow older, it’s not something that will ever go away.
This line of belief is caused by the serious demonization of autism spectrum disorder, which is by all accounts, not the way to view your kid. If you find yourself not sure how to approach care for your child, I highly recommend seeking the advice of a professional.
Don’t Let People in Their Personal Space
One thing that many autistic children don’t like is when people who aren’t family get in their personal space. Sometimes this is very strict, as there are autistic children who will get upset even if a sibling gets near. Usually parents are the only ones allowed around them, and so that’s when they’re most comfortable. Don’t have your child go greet a distant family member, and if the child is an infant or toddler, letting other people hold them is usually a giant no-no. It may cause them to get upset and freak out.
Don’t Pass Off All Problems as Autism
One of the hardest parts about raising an autistic child is knowing what is driven by autism and what’s purely a behavioral issue.
Take, for example, you’re called into your child’s school to talk about some behavioral issues. If you’re told that your child complains about the cafeteria because it’s too bright, has trouble making friends, or won’t make eye contact with the teacher, these are all problems that can be related to autism and thus need to be worked out in conjunction with you, your child, and the school system.
Now, if you’re told that your child is screaming during class and hitting other students, that’s another matter entirely. Autistic children are still able to be disciplined and are aware of their own actions, so it’s best that they’re addressed with the child directly instead of passed off as a symptom and nothing more. Even if it is a problem that may be caused by social unawareness and autistic tendencies, purely unacceptable behavior should not be tolerated, or you’ll have a bit of a problem on your hands.
Don’t Punish Your Child for Stimming
In case you’re not aware, “stimming” is a form of stimulating oneself in a variety of ways in order to relieve tension or relax themselves. It can come in a variety of actions, with some examples being rubbing at their wrists, hand flapping, waving their arms, fidgeting with objects, and much more. This behavior can be seen as strange or weird to many people, and because of that, a parent may decide to stop their child from doing such actions through punishment, this is not the right thing to do.
Stimming is an urge, and not one you can snap out of them. You should allow them to stimulate themselves, because not only is it better for the child, but it will make things easier on you. Pent up tension and restlessness can be relieved through stimming, so by allowing them the opportunity to do so, you’re also avoiding having to deal with a tense and restless kid who is more prone to panic.
There are toys on the market specifically for people with autism, so I implore you to check those out.
Don’t Punish Them for Having a Meltdown or a Shutdown
One of the most unfortunately common occurrences is people confusing an autistic meltdown with just a regular tantrum or a child being whiney, which is not the case. When there’s too much negative emotional and mental stimulation (mainly stress), you may encounter either a meltdown or a shutdown.
What is a Meltdown?
When a meltdown happens, you’re going to see an explosion of emotions come through. You’re going to see screaming, crying, maybe even hitting or throwing things. This is a child going through a genuine series of overwhelming emotions they can’t control, a literal crisis point, and so punishing them will only make things worse in the long run and may lead to trauma.
If a meltdown occurs, do your best to lead the kid to a quiet room where there are no more than two people (including yourself). Stand back and let the child tucker themselves out, keeping watch so they don’t hurt themselves. What they need at that moment is space. You can try to speak to them, but if it seems like it’s only doing more harm than good, then you should stop trying. If you can, dim the lights— the less stimulation, the better. When you’re done, they’re going to undoubtedly be out of energy, so let them rest in bed.
What is a Shutdown?
A shutdown is the exact opposite of a meltdown. If a shutdown occurs, you’re going to see an either partial or total withdrawal from the world around them. They may not communicate anymore, and they may not move at all. They may also just retreat to a dark place like their room and lie on the floor.
Like with meltdowns, the kid has reached an overwhelming crisis point. While it may not seem as dramatic as a meltdown, it’s still a very serious moment for them and you shouldn’t belittle or punish them for it.
If your child is having a shutdown, the best thing to do is bring them to a dark and quiet room. Some autistic people enjoy comfort during shutdowns, but this isn’t always the case. If you’re shrugged off, then just give them some space.
Don’t Change Routine on a Dime
One thing that’s important to know about those with autism is that a majority greatly prefer consistency. You might see it as OCD-like at first, but don’t be surprised if the kid rearranges things or puts objects in a certain order. Many children and adults with autism aren’t able to handle a change in routine well, especially without prior preparation. While change is inevitable in some cases, try to keep things consistent to mitigate any stress that might occur.
Don’t Give Overly-Complicated Tasks
While some people with autism are able to learn perfectly fine, many unfortunately have learning difficulties. Because of this, I suggest keeping all tasks fairly simple, or at least make them step-by-step. This doesn’t mean to give the child as little responsibility as possible, since that can be put in the category of what not to do with an autistic child. Doing tasks is a great way to help a child develop socially and mentally; they just need some extra help is all.
Don’t Rush Them to Eat
Kids with autism tend to have a difficult time with food, especially if it’s food they don’t like. It may take them forever to eat, but don’t rush them. Allow them to go at their own pace, although it’s likely you’ll catch them playing with their food and whatnot. Don’t punish them for it, because it doesn’t solve the problem in the end, and if you punish an autistic child for not eating food, it may cause an unhealthy relationship with food or have them equate food with love. For example, if a child is forced to eat, they may think that cleaning their plate will allow their parents to love them, even if they aren’t hungry or are sick.