Fear is an emotion experienced by adults and children, but children process their fears differently, whether it’s a monster hiding under the bed or a very real threat they may be facing.
As a parent, our natural response is to give comfort and calm our children but unfortunately, parents aren’t always around when a child is gripped by fear. However, managing fear without parental intervention is an important skill to teach children.
All children experience fear, but by learning to manage emotion, they can build confidence and independence by feeling less afraid and more in control. And can learn to not rely on bedtime delay tactics. Managing fear is a skill that will stand them in good stead throughout their lives.
Helping Children Face Fears Rather Than Fearing Fears
Being scared is a normal part of growing up, yet often, the scary thing may be non-threatening. The monster in the closet for example may be an old coat which would be easy to dismiss or ignore but the fear is real in the child’s mind.
Being confronted with benign items that evoke fear in a child is a good opportunity for them to work on their self-regulation skills.
This gives them the ability to process and manage their emotions and behaviors healthily by talking themselves down from or feeling things without actually acting on them.
Teach Your Child To Practice Self-Regulation
Parents must work through their own anxiety and most adults practice self-regulation without a second thought.
For children, building self-regulation takes time, practice, and space to learn. This implies that parents need to get comfortable with letting kids be a bit uncomfortable while they figure things out for themselves.
Practicing difficult situations is ideal, but easier said than done. Most parents want to help their child when they are distressed and while they may feel better immediately, they lose the chance to learn how to manage their fear in the long term.
There is no incentive to learn this skill when parents are always solving the problems a child experiences.
Fears are Not All The Same
While it’s important to learn how to manage fears such as being scared of the doctor or of being in the dark, not all fears are equal.
It’s not always necessary to overcome fears that don’t interfere with a child’s life such as scary movies. By making the decision not to watch a scary movie, a child defines their limits and stand up for themselves. But if a child’s fears are persistent, overly intense, or interfere with their daily life, help could be required.
The signs that fear could be something more include:
- Intense, specific fears that cause impairment.
- Fears that limit the ability to enjoy life or participate in activities.
- Obsessive worrying by fixating on the feared object, thinking or talking about it often, including if the trigger isn’t present.
- Signs of severe anxiety such as panic attacks, withdrawing from activities, school, or family, or disruptive or compulsive behavior.
6 Ways to Help Kids Face Their Fears
Don’t Dismiss Your Child’s Feelings Rather Validate them
Because life with kids is always busy, it’s often easier to dismiss their fears than to stop and get to the heart of them. “Don’t be silly!” may quieten them briefly, but the fear remains.
Even when you are too busy, frustrated, or tired to talk about the monster under the bed, it still exists in the mind of the child.
Children, especially when they are still younger, are trying to make sense of their world. Sorting fantasy from reality isn’t as simple as it sounds, especially when children are bombarded by fantasy in media they’re exposed to for many hours a day. The difference between the two isn’t yet clearly defined for them.
While we can reassure our child that some threats aren’t really threats, some empathy is needed. Children will resort to fight or flight to keep themselves safe and only calm down and start reasoning the threat or perceived threat though later.
Fear is a normal response and is key to survival but responding with empathy and encouraging them to look at the fear rationally is a far better response, even from a harried parent.
There’s always time to lend a sympathetic ear to let the child know we understand how it feels to be scared, rather than playing into the fear or anxiety. Fear isn’t something to be ashamed of and the child needs to know that.
Prompt Your Child To Problem-Solve And Confidently Find Solutions
According to both psychologists and neuroscientists, some fear is inherent, but a lot is also learned. This means that we have more control over our fears. After empathizing, a child needs to hear their parent is confident that they can overcome the fear.
It’s good to know that children with a bit more control over their lives, which could be voicing their opinions or being allowed to make age-appropriate decisions, feel higher levels of significance and sense of belonging, raising feelings of validation and confidence.
Confident children are more willing to take healthy risks and have the courage to work through their fears.
Parents similarly feel an overwhelming urge to protect their children’s fears but it’s a good idea to introduce our children to tools that will help them problem-solve fearful situations at an early age.
Kneeling or bending to meet them at their height, you can remind them they can change the channel if a TV show upsets them, or mention that the characters are just actors.
But not all fears are based on something fake. Bullied children are fearful of returning to school for good reason and could place themselves in harm’s way by facing their bully.
It’s uplifting when a child feels confident enough to approach their parent with the problem, but it’s also a good opportunity to coach the child on problem-solving.
In the case of bullies, handling conflicts with others is an important skill to learn especially when ignoring taunts, talking to school administrators or counselors, learning self-defense, or even going to the police are the other possibilities.
The child needs to understand that all options are available to them but parents need to train them on the best course of action for the circumstance.
The problem isn’t side-stepped but next time, you may not be available or nearby to help which makes these skills essential.
Use The Even-If Method
Scary Things Need Slow-Roll Exposure
Just like real life, even cartoons have bad guys. We can’t control everything our children are exposed to, nor should we, because it’s part of life.
We can’t control everything they watch but we can manage much of the information that reaches them through media like smartphones, televisions, and tablets, all of which have parental control options. What they do see will be processed in their information-hungry minds.
In situations without parental control buttons, we can provide context and help them learn critical thinking.
When children are watching something frightening based on a true story such as war, it’s a good opportunity to talk about how the real-life characters showed noble traits like bravery or less desirable things like greed- and everything in between. Not only is it a good time to address fears, but the family’s moral code is also discussed.
The intention is never to keep a child ignorant of all real-life problems, but rather to expose them to potential harm slowly. This could help them to figure out where tragedy fits in the world without giving them, and you, sleepless nights.
But fear is not limited to the fantasy world, and parents will still yell at their children to stay out of the street or far from a cliff’s edge.
Conquering fear is the goal, not eliminating it. A little fear kept in check is useful when it comes to driving carefully in the snow, or talking to strangers, as is the case with many other things, but the fear shouldn’t be debilitating. The goal is to help children strike a healthy balance.
Increase Comfort Quality-Time
Those children who feel safe and secure in body and in mind are more likely to face their fears with courage and also with greater ease. When kids are scared of bedtime and obsess over fears they need a feeling of being loved and protected to fall asleep more easily and and sleep more peacefully.
But daddy-daughter or mommy-son time should be happening throughout the day and be approached by the parent with palpable happiness.
Reading aloud together, talking to one another about your day, playing 20 questions, or just building a pillow fort on their bed are all comforting activities. Well-rested kids are generally far better equipped to face fears head-on, both emotionally and physically.
Make The Distinction Between Real and Exaggerated Fears
Children can be pretty dramatic when explaining things, but this is sometimes an avoidance tactic to delay bedtime or other benign activities. A parent knows their child best and can usually tell if the fear is contrived or genuine, but sometimes it’s more difficult.
When a family has recently faced trauma, or children consistently or uncontrollably feel upset, scared, or anxious, calling for help could be necessary. Instead of being situational, but still in need of attention, the fear could be more serious and suggest an underlying anxiety disorder or phobia.
Many psychologists and counselors specialize in treating fear in children. Make an appointment to talk with a professional to assess the situation if your child’s fears seem like they could be something more serious.